A wife mentions, in passing, that pencils keep rolling off her desk. The next day, a pencil holder is sitting there. Erika Jordan, a dating coach and NLP practitioner, offers that small scene as proof of what listening looks like in a marriage, in a September 2024 YourTango piece by Will Curtis.
The article’s argument is that everyday follow-through beats the occasional grand gesture. It gathers six small things that experts say wives hope their husbands will do more often.
Why Small Gestures Carry the Weight
None of the six requires a budget, a vacation or a speech. Each is a habit, which is the point: a marriage is mostly made of ordinary days, and the habits that fill them add up. A look at small ways married men show love reaches a similar conclusion from the other side.
The list also fits a broader theme in relationship advice, as a piece on small things happy couples do for each other suggests, and the research on what damages a marriage points the same way, as in the four argument habits John Gottman found do the most damage. A roundup of things women who know their worth do shows how often those habits start with being heard.
Small habits have a way of defining a household, whether the subject is little rituals that disappeared without much notice, boomer habits making a comeback or a couple deciding on the benefits of RV living.
Being Heard
1. Listening closely, then acting on it. Jordan says listening means more than hearing the words. Her pencil-holder example makes the case: following through on a small complaint shows the husband cared enough to do something about it.
2. Respecting her opinion, even in disagreement. Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame notes in the same piece that many married women wish their husbands would listen to them. When a husband dismisses concerns, seems impatient or rushes to fix things, Brame says, wives may stop sharing their views. She recommends a sympathetic ear and respect for a wife’s right to her own opinion, even when he disagrees.
Best Life, in a separate roundup of things wives wish husbands noticed, quotes Cheryl Dellasega, a Penn State professor of medicine and humanities, saying women may think their partners are ignoring clear signals of distress. The same piece quotes psychologist Elisa Robyn on a related wish: a husband who acts as a sounding board and best friend without rushing to solve everything. A look at things some wives wish their husbands understood covers similar ground.
Being Known
3. Remembering her particular gift preferences. Psychologist Aline P. Zoldbrod argues that a gift should show the giver knows the recipient’s specific likes and dislikes. She recalls receiving generic red roses, which she dislikes, and feeling unknown. She later trained her spouse to buy the flowers she actually liked.
4. Checking in at least weekly. Life coach Mitzi Bockmann describes a stretch when she and her husband, busy with their children, stopped connecting and slid into exhausted routines. Her advice is a check-in at least once a week to learn how the other person’s life and feelings are going, guidance she attributes to the American Psychological Association.
The Best Life roundup adds a related point from clinical psychologist Anna Yam: husbands who acknowledge the unseen work a wife does for the family set their marriage up for greater success.
Being Put First
5. Being her equal. Writer and musician Serge Bielanko, a husband himself, admits he once believed treating a wife as an equal was enough. He now suggests wives also want to be put first and to feel strong affection and desire, without being babied or having their sense of self undermined.
6. Seeking to understand her. Author Julie Lynn says partners often dismiss each other’s thoughts and feelings, which breeds resentment and a sense of being unseen. She cites the Gottman Institute as identifying contempt as a top predictor of divorce, and stresses that both men and women contribute to such patterns.
Taken together, the six habits cost little and ask for attention more than effort. A fair caveat applies to the whole list: the experts quoted are offering opinions and personal experience, not findings from a controlled study. That makes the list a set of conversation starters rather than a scorecard, and husbands and wives alike can decide which of the six sounds most like their own kitchen table.
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This article was produced with AI assistance and edited for accuracy against the sources linked above.
Image: Tanja Heffner tanjaheffner – CC0/Wikimedia Commons
