“Boundaries help preserve the relationship between parents and grandparents,” says Sarah Epstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Dallas, Texas. The sentence sounds like a gentle reminder, and it is also a useful one in the weeks before families gather around holiday tables.
Grandparents are often the most loved people in a child’s life, and most of them mean well. Still, the same affection can lead to gifts, photos and house rules that parents never agreed to. Here are eight boundaries parents commonly ask grandparents not to cross, along with what family experts suggest for talking about them.
Rules, Photos and Public Comments
1. Undermining the parents’ rules. Undermining the rules in front of the children appears on a list of common grandparent overstepping, according to Romper. The parents, the article says, have the right to choose how they raise their child, and grandparents are expected to support those choices.
2. Criticizing the parents in front of the children. Romper lists criticism of parents within earshot of the kids as another common overstep. Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, recommends settling disagreements away from the children through collaborative problem-solving, according to Care.com. Readers who want a look at the other side of the relationship can read what grandparents who make the biggest difference usually do, and a few habits of older generations appear in these boomer habits that are making a comeback.
3. Posting photos of the children without consent. Posting a child’s photos on social media without permission appears on Romper’s list of common overstepping, and the article also names oversharing online after the parents have objected. The simple fix is to ask first and to accept a no. Adult children have their own list of irritations, gathered in nine things grandparents do that quietly annoy their adult children.
Schedules, Food and Safety
4. Changing nap, bedtime or screen time without asking. According to Romper, adjusting a child’s nap schedule, bedtime or screen time without checking with the parents is one of the seven things grandparents should avoid. A weekend of late nights may feel like a treat, but the parents are the ones who deal with the aftermath on Monday morning.
5. Offering foods the parents want limited. Romper names offering foods or drinks that parents want limited, such as dessert in place of dinner. Psychologist Jeanette Raymond, who practices in Los Angeles, suggests in Care.com that parents thank grandparents for their care while still correcting them when they go against the family’s rules about food. A memory-lane look at older family dinner tables is in little rituals from the 80s and 90s.
6. Brushing off safety guidelines. Mendez advises parents to discuss safe sleep, car seat safety and hygiene rules with grandparents and to explain the reasoning behind them, according to Care.com. The article notes that recommended child-safety practices change over time, such as the move away from crib bumpers, so rules that differ from what grandparents remember are often just newer guidance. Looking back at family choices is a theme of common regrets people often experience in adulthood.
Gifts and Affection
7. Giving lavish gifts that conflict with the parents’ wishes. Romper lists lavish gifts that go against the parents’ wishes among the seven things grandparents should skip. Mendez suggests that parents thank grandparents for their generosity and explain that gifts can teach lessons, including the value of learning to delay gratification, according to Care.com. She also suggests gifts of time, such as playing games, reading together or visiting a museum or library. The financial side of grandparenting is explored in AARP’s Grandparent Economy study, which found grandparents spend $2,654 a year on grandkids.
8. Forcing physical affection. Romper includes forcing kisses on the face, or making kids feel guilty for skipping hugs, among the common overstepping behaviors. A wave, a high five or a blown kiss can say the same thing without turning a greeting into a negotiation. For visiting relatives during the holidays, there is also a list of six things never to do when staying with the in-laws for the holidays, along with a list of the best kids’ movies based on books for a family movie night.
How Experts Suggest Raising the Subject
Epstein told Romper that parents can lovingly explain how they want their child to be cared for, so grandparents are set up for success and do not feel blindsided. Michele Goldman, a clinical psychologist and advisor at the Hope for Depression Foundation, says parents should not have to justify their reasons for setting a boundary.
Romper’s advice also includes agreeing on the boundaries as a couple first, practicing with friends or a babysitter before approaching grandparents, stating the boundaries clearly and holding the line when they are repeatedly ignored. Asking grandparents for help in other areas, the article suggests, shows that they are valued. The common thread is that the rules exist to protect the relationship, not to end it.
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This article was produced with AI assistance and edited for accuracy against the sources linked above.
Image: Sinchalak Musulmon – CC BY-SA 4.0/Wikimedia Commons
