Of 79 couples followed for 14 years, the second wave of divorces did not come from the couples who fought. It came from the ones who had gone quiet, according to research by John Gottman and Robert Levenson described by the Gottman Institute. Those marriages showed very little positive emotion and held back negative emotion too.
That flat, coasting pattern is what many people now call the roommate phase. It is an everyday label rather than a clinical term, but therapists quoted by Psychology Today and by Best Life describe the same five signs, and many married couples will recognize at least one of them.
Time Together Shrinks to Chores
The first sign is simple arithmetic: more hours apart, fewer hours shared. Licensed clinical social worker Robert Taibbi describes couples who rarely argue and say they get along okay but live parallel lives, and psychologist Mark Travers, in a Psychology Today piece summarized by the Gottman Institute, describes partners who still split bills and schedules but lead separate lives, with little beyond chores and obligations in common. Old expectations can feed the drift, a topic in 15 social norms that should be abandoned.
Taibbi’s first suggestion is to make the relationship a priority by scheduling date nights, which the couple in his example had not had in years. The withdrawal that follows shows up in ways some husbands withdraw from a marriage while still living under the same roof. A second step is to explore common interests, such as taking a class or volunteering together, an idea that fits well with the small-scale work-life balance habits many households try.
Conversation Reduced to Logistics
The second sign is a conversation that never leaves the calendar. Best Life quotes Rachel Marmor, chief wellness officer at the PAIRS Foundation, describing talk that turns to logistics instead of feelings while partners stop sharing joys, fears and vulnerabilities. Her advice is to share more of the day than the facts and to listen in order to understand rather than to fix. Word choice matters here, and the 2 words couples should stop using in arguments offers a small place to begin.
Suzette Bray, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author, put it this way in the same piece: emotional intimacy thrives on vulnerability. Leaving room for deeper conversation is the point, and the habit pays off over decades, as in 10 small daily habits of couples married more than 30 years. Regret over what went unsaid is a theme too in 20 common regrets people often experience in adulthood.
Affection Gone Missing
Third on the list is physical closeness. Taibbi lists little affection and little emotional or physical intimacy among the telltale marks of such marriages. Marmor treats touch as a core way couples express love, while cautioning that a slower sex life alone does not necessarily mean trouble. Fading small gestures, such as holding hands or a hug at the door, are the stronger signal. Speaking up about it takes confidence, a quality explored in 7 things women who know their worth do that others often mistake for rudeness.
Bray recommends starting low-pressure: holding hands, a brief shoulder rub, sitting close during a movie, and building from there. Travers, in the piece covered by the Gottman Institute, makes a related point that intimacy goes beyond sex and shows up in everyday gestures like a hug after a long day. Habits that wear a marriage down quietly are catalogued in 11 everyday habits that quietly wear down a marriage.
Curiosity That Fades
The fourth sign is losing interest in the other person’s world. Taibbi notes that talk in these marriages shrinks to scheduling and tasks, so the list of safe topics narrows to work, children and logistics. Marmor says curiosity keeps love alive because it signals that a partner is seen and cared about. Her suggestion is to ask open-ended questions and to admit, without blame, that check-ins have been rare lately.
Resentment and Avoided Arguments
The last sign has two faces. Taibbi names avoiding conflict and leaving problems unsolved as common causes, since unresolved problems breed lingering resentment. Marmor notes that avoiding conflict can look like peace while unspoken frustration builds, and that asking “why bother?” is a warning sign. In her view, conflict is not the real enemy; disconnection is.
Gottman himself writes that many marriages end through distance rather than open fighting. His hopeful note is that couples can recover, and a therapist can help break the pattern. Taibbi advises tackling problems before they accumulate, in small steps, even starting by email if a face-to-face talk feels too hard.
Gottman describes a ritual of connection as a structured routine both partners enjoy and depend on, and says small ones count, such as a daily greeting when the workday ends. Marmor’s list of fixes agrees: weekly date nights, shared hobbies and goals set together. Taibbi also recommends compliments and small physical gestures, such as a pat on the back or a hug, rather than jumping into more. Marmor adds that distance is not automatically a reason to end a marriage. It is more often an opening to reconnect.
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This article was produced with AI assistance and edited for accuracy against the sources linked above.