“The healthiest relationship goal a couple can have is a vow to fight fairly,” licensed psychotherapist Christine Scott-Hudson told Bustle. Therapists quoted by Bustle, HuffPost and PureWow agree that a few specific remarks do outsized damage once tempers rise.
Relationship researcher John Gottman reports that the outcome of a conflict discussion can be predicted in 96% of cases from its first three minutes, which makes the opening words count. These 7 remarks come up most often.
Ranking one job above the other
Jeannie Assimos, chief of advice at eharmony, said work and money are common sources of conflict, and telling a spouse that their job matters less sets up a contest. The remark suggests one partner thinks they are better than the other and replaces teamwork with rivalry.
Chanel Dokun, a life planner trained in marriage and family therapy, makes a similar point in a PureWow list on Yahoo. Self-worth is not tied to income, she says, and spouses do better treating each other as assets working toward shared goals. Couples who disagree in healthier ways tend to keep that team frame, and women who know their worth often insist on it.
Piling on with what other people said
Gary Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist, calls this move “piling on,” as in announcing that friends and relatives always thought the relationship was a mistake. It makes a partner feel, in his words, that they were never really liked, and it can strain ties with that partner’s friends and family even if the claim is true.
The habit is a cousin of the blame-heavy arguments described in research on criticism and contempt. Outside opinions rarely belong in a private argument, much like the social norms that people increasingly want to drop, and the hard truths boomers accept are a reminder that some opinions are better left unsaid.
Calling a spouse an idiot
Scott-Hudson said name-calling is unacceptable and that disagreements that slide into verbal abuse damage the relationship. The Gottman Institute places mockery, sarcasm and name-calling under contempt, which its article calls the most damaging of the four warning behaviors, and the Marine Corps Community Services guide to fighting fair puts the rule plainly: do not name-call.
Dokun adds a milder cousin, calling a spouse lazy, which judges character rather than a habit. Her fix is to address the specific behavior. See also the four argument habits Gottman found most damaging, and the way words said in anger can turn into lasting regrets. Even phrases that sound like concern can signal control.
Diagnosing a spouse with issues
Jonathan Owens, a family therapist with EndThrive, said telling a partner they have “issues” is often blame-shifting that casts the speaker as the victim. He described it as trying to take power away from a partner by discrediting them.
HuffPost’s therapists flag related moves. Jesse Kahn, a sex therapist in New York, calls using love as a bargaining chip manipulative, and Sean Davis, a marriage and family therapist, says ordering someone to calm down tends to start arguments.
Telling a spouse to leave if unhappy
Dr. Connie Omari, a clinician who owns Tech Talk Therapy, said people reach for this line when they do not know how to change their behavior or lack the desire to. A partner who hears that reluctance may decide to move on.
Abigail Makepeace, a Los Angeles marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost that threats to end the relationship erode a partner’s sense of safety and build resentment, and that repeating them can numb the partner to them.
Comparing a spouse to an ex
Susan Trombetti, a matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, was blunt: “No comparisons of any sort. It’s a deep dig that WILL come up in the future.”
Makepeace also notes that when people are upset they tend to idealize former partners, so the comparison can feel like a dismissal of the care in the current relationship. The Marine Corps Community Services guide likewise advises leaving old fights out of new ones unless they directly relate.
Dropping the word divorce
Dori Shwirtz, a divorce mediator at divorceHarmony, said, “Just putting that word out there in the universe can cause irreparable harm.” She noted that some people use it to manipulate a situation, so it should be said only when truly meant.
Dokun agrees that tossing around the idea of divorce weakens a marriage’s foundation. Her alternative is to affirm the commitment and work through the problem together.
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This article was produced with AI assistance and edited for accuracy against the sources linked above.
Image: Alice Donovan Rouse (@alicekat) – CC0/Wikimedia Commons
