The 2 words are “always” and “never.” Chanel Dokun, a certified New York City life planner with training in marriage and family therapy, told PureWow that dropping them is the surest way to get a spouse to listen.
Winifred M. Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, and the author of “It Takes One to Tango,” makes the same case. Both experts also offer a replacement for each word, and the Gottman Institute explains how absolutes slide into criticism.
Why Absolutes Land Like an Accusation
Dokun says “always” and “never” feel generalized and dismissive of any effort the other person has made. Telling a husband he never washes the car erases the weekends he did. Firm words can also be mistaken for something harsher than intended, a point made in things women who know their worth do that others often mistake for rudeness.
Reilly, quoted by HuffPost UK, says the words tend to make listeners shut down. The other person is also likely to answer with “That’s not true,” and the conversation becomes a debate over exceptions instead of a talk about the problem. Couples who handle disagreements well tend to avoid that trap, as seven things couples in healthy relationships do differently when they disagree shows, and 15 social norms that should be abandoned asks whether the old habit of keeping score belongs on the list.
The Swaps: “More” and “Sometimes”
Dokun’s replacement for both words is “more.” Instead of complaining that the dishes never get done, she suggests telling a partner that more help with the dishes would be welcome. That phrasing, she says, gives the partner the benefit of the doubt.
Reilly’s replacement is “sometimes.” Her example is saying that sometimes a partner does not listen in a way that shows interest. She says the goal is to talk about how to have a better life together, not to build a case against each other. Marriage research points the same direction, and criticism and contempt, not anger, are what damage a marriage. Small word swaps matter because, as 15 common choices in life that are actually really bad argues, everyday habits compound, and common regrets people often experience in adulthood often involve words left unsaid or said badly.
Where Absolutes Slide Into Criticism
The Gottman Institute draws the line between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint, it says, is about a specific issue, while criticism is an attack on a partner’s core character. Its own example of criticism is a sentence built on “never,” accusing a partner of never thinking about how personal behavior affects other people. The matching complaint names a specific moment: being scared when a partner ran late and did not call, as the institute explains in its guide to the four horsemen.
That difference is why the swaps work: “more” and “sometimes” keep the focus on a behavior rather than a character. Eleven everyday habits that quietly wear down a marriage list some of the smaller ways the slide begins, while ten habits couples who stay happy after 50 share show the repair work that keeps it from starting.
Other Phrases Therapists Flag
HuffPost UK’s roundup of eight phrases couples therapists never or rarely say adds more lines to retire. Sex therapist Jesse Kahn advises statements that start with the speaker’s own feelings in place of blaming a partner for causing them, noting that no one else is making a person feel anything. He calls ultimatums that begin with a conditional about love manipulative because they weaponize love.
Marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan likewise recommends describing one’s own experience rather than leading with blame-filled accusations. Marriage and family therapist Sean Davis suggests offering opinions tentatively and listening and validating instead of telling a partner to calm down.
Marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace warns against threatening to end the relationship unless it is truly meant, because threats erode safety. She also advises against saying that no one will ever love a partner as much, which creates fear, and against comparing a partner to an ex, which can dismiss the good in the current relationship.
The thread running through all of the advice is the same: replace the sweeping word with a specific one, describe the problem rather than the person and keep respect in the room even when the argument is heated. None of it requires a script, only a pause before the next “always.”
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This article was produced with AI assistance and edited for accuracy against the sources linked above.
Image: Wellcome Collection – CC BY 4.0/Wikimedia Commons
